Sadis

Hati aku bagai dicarik carik, diratah oleh kawan sendiri, kawan yg dianggap flesh and bloods. Bukan seorang dua tapi ramai. Apa juga yang mereka mahu dari hati kerdil ini? Apa juga mereka harapkan dari aku? Apa juga agendanya? Tak senang lihat aku begini? Aku sudah messy. Mereka tak mahu itu tapi mereka mahu aku ruining myself. Atau dalam erti kata lain mereka mahu jiwa aku mati. So called friends. So called bestfriends. Apa juga erti bestfriends dari kamu semua? Seorang bestfriends tidak akan menjatuhkan bestfriendnya yang lain hannya kerana cinta. Takkan membenamkan bestfriendnya dalam lumpur dan tidak nisa keluar lagi. Tidak akan mereka berbuat begitu. Apatah lagi memikirkan yang tidak tidak. Apa juga salahku pada semua? Apa? Tidak cukupkah apa yang dilakukan mereka ? Tidak cukupkah mereka lihat aku ternoda? Sesungguhnya aku tidak mengerti apa sebabnya. Sungguh aku tak tahu. Moga Allah membuka hati hati mereka. Untuk menilai kembali aku dalam hidup mereka. Amin.

My History

This is heart breaking. This is exactly what I've been through 2 years ago.

* pictures cr to Dr.Hamid Arshat * Thanked to Allah. And my dearest doctors, panels and nurses. Two doctors that examined me, and also the one who gave me so much supports my handsome doctor, DR. ONG , and my beautiful pretty lady DR.SHILPA ( I have like.... 7 doctors around me just to scan me? hahaha ) I can't remember their names clearly. But I do remember their faces. Hehe. Thank you so much ( all from Ampamg Hospital )

Pull and Push

That is the hardest thing to bear and to deal with - FEELINGS. When you are the happiest girl on earth, there are so much fun and so many friends wanted to approach. But when you are down and devastated, there's no one dare to get close.

NOTE

THIS IS MY BLOG. I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT. DON'T LIKE? STAY AWAY.

Hatred

I'm writing with an anger and hatred. Endless hatred. They will find me as an unattractive girl who's still stuck with her memories. And they will ask and wonder, " Why that girl is always stress? " or " Why that girl wanna be mad at her friend bcs of a guy? " Bitch, you didn't know how it feels to see someone you love be with someone else in a short of time. Stranger is okay. BUT FRIEND. Bcs you don't feel the pain like you've claimed that you feel the same. NO. Fucking NO. You won't. You will never know how it feels to be replace. You will never know how it feels when holding on for so long time and they leave you just liddat. Bcs of one reason, " I can't move on " Yes I can accept that. It's not easy to move on. I admit that. NOT EASY. I accept it. BUT WHAT I CANT ACCEPT IS YOU GO BACK TO YOUR PAST CRUSH AND CLAIMED TO LIKE AND LOVE HER AND PLAYING LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND DO THIS DO THAT AND MAD AT ME BCS I'M MAD AT YOU AND I'M AD AT HER? WHAT RATIONAL IS THIS THING? YOU ANSWER.

Bodoh

Bodohlah wanita itu jika di mulut kata lain bila lakukan sesuatu jadi lain. Cuba hargai. Cuba jadi diri sendiri. Jangan jadi bodoh melalui perkataan, maaf dan janji yang kau cipta. Kau perempuan, BODOH.

Fragile I

you know... i am not that kind of person who is always mourn about something that makes me sad, unhappy, mad or what. but as my age increasing by years, my hormone my sensitivity, my emotions towards something especially when it comes to family, love, and life... i will burst out into tears just like that. i don't even know why, Allah made me made my heart too fragile. i can't even handle things that happened to me. i will end up crying on the couch, or crying until i fell asleep. i am weak. WEAK.

Penguat II

"does a cute heart owez diz small inside? cuz im rly glad its small. cuz the smaller its, the comfortable i am. so u can owez feel me walking inside ur heart. and yes. i can tahan in ur cute heart" "if its too cold. i might die inside u. hurmm. but too warm i might also die inside u.can u be in between? cuz i juz wana stay alive inside ur heart. i was on my way to sleep oredy when i saw a scar. here, inside. im not gona ask who did diz. but i juz patch it with a lil bit of my heart if u dun mind. :) so, may go to sleep now."

Penguat

" Awak jadi bini saya jugak nanti "

Teruskan

Bila ku selak kembali halaman halaman di ruang Skype. Hati lansung jadi sayu. Terus saja airmata ini menderu laju. Tidak ubah seperti Niagara Falls. Bagaimana kau cuba fit in dalam hati, bagaimana kau pujuk hati aku yang keras bagai batu, bagaimana kau jinakkan ia. Tumpah segala air mata, mana juga hilangnya si kuat Maisarah? Entah. Setiap kali solat, wajah kau menerpa dulu. Apa ini satu petanda atau apa. Aku tidak tahu. Bagaimana ku bertahan selama ini, tak mudah untuk aku berhenti. Akhirnya aku teruskan, teruskan jua. Teruskan segala daya. Segala usaha. Pasti Allah kabulkan juga. Jodoh bersama dia, hari hari dipohon tanpa lupa. Tanpa lupa ku selitkan namamu di setiap doaku. Amin Ya Rabb.

Ajari Aku

Setiap hubungan itu ada pasang surutnya. Tiada yang lebih tiada yang kurang pengetahuannya. Hanya naluri, perasaan dan kemampuan untuk terus mengharungi liku liku kehidupan. Berbeza setiap seorang. Pendapat dan keinginan. Kegembiraan kesedihan, tiada apa yang lebih diutamakan. Kesedihan itu bersifat sementara. Ya. Susah. Sungguh susah untuk terima. Aku menundukkan kepala ku ke arahMU, meminta petunjuk dan ketenangan hati. Dalam aku menyelak satu demi satu kenangan. Payah. Setiap kali diselak, setiap kali itu air mata tumpah tidak berhenti. Namun aku sedang kuatkan hati. Harap Yang Maha Esa membantuku. Bulan Ramadhan menerpa lagi. Mohon segalanya disucikan. Aku harap begitu, Ya Allah.... kuatkan hatiku. Aku cinta dia.

TORNS

Have you ever been in this situation, where you are apart for months. But then you are not aware of the storm whereby you put so much trust when you know you are not supposed to do it. Have you? Me. Yes You know, I'm giving all of my love and my time just for you. I'm giving you space for you to breathe. I'm giving you time for you to think. I'm giving you my trust for you to be free. But in the end, what did you give me back in return? You're going out with her again, made promises which is I don't know what kind of "tired of waiting" for her. Which is I don't know what kind of "Yes, or No.Idk" for her. Which is I don't know what kind of "Stop pushing me like a cart" for you. Are you playing games with me? Do you want to break your promises months ago? You ever said to me "I WILL NEVER LOOK BACK. AND I WILL START APPRECIATING WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME" NOW? ASK YOURSELF.

Sekilas Pandang

Kalau ditadahkan baldi di depan aku, banyak sudah air mata tumpah dan masuk dalam baldi baldi tu. Kiraannya terlalu banyak. Tak terkira. Asyik saja berendam air mata. Nak jugak aku makan kuih badak berendam. Hahahaha. Pernah tidak satu ketika kau duduk di bilik seorang diri dan lihat figura engkau di depan cermin, dan terus saja kau menangis semahunya. Seperti ada satu batu dan beban yang maha berat di atas dada, walhal kau tidak dapat membezakan yg benar dan yg batil. Pernah ke? Pernah jugakah kau berada di satu sudut kehidupan, dan memikirkan, " Kemanakah akan ku tuju selepas ini? " Pernah jugakah kau berdepan dengan orang yang kau cinta sehinggakan kau lupa untuk cintai diri engkau sendiri. Pernah ke? Persoalan peroalan ini semua bermain dalam fikiran. Tak tentu masa. Di mana kau tahu kau mencintai seseorang itu terlalu dalam, terlalu dalam sehingga kau lemas dalam tangis sendiri bila apa yang diharapkan tidak kau dapat. Tidak kau rasa. Kau hanya jadi pak turut menurut segala kata. Cuma satu , tidak ingin hilang dia. Tapi, benarkah apa yang dibuat itu semua? Seperti kita dibutakan dengan mata, dan hati. Selesakah engkau mencintai seseorang itu terlalu dalam, tanpa sebarang ikatan? Mahu atau tidak, terpaksa diturutkan. Cuma apa? Cuma satu, sekali lagi tidak mahu kehilangan. Sebab apa? Sebab kita menghargai perasaan yang Yang Maha Esa berikan. Mahu dijaga sebaik baiknya. Masih bertahan walau berbagai bagai dugaan yang datang, Ribut taufan...mahupun Tornado sekalipun, cinta kita itu tidak pernah berubah. Tidak pernah sekali pun ada perasaan ingin mengkhianati. Tidak. Mungkin masanya belum datang, mungkin sampai menutup mata dan menghela nafas yg terakhir barulah terbuka hati menerima. Hendak dikata, waktu itu sudah terlambat. sudah terlalu lambat. "Appreciate what you have, and don't be sad and regret when its gone"

Bersabarlah sayang

Tika aku menulis ini, air mata tak berhenti mengalir. Seolah Sungai Nil yang tidak pernah surut airnya. Aku tidak mahu menangis tapi entah kenapa, malam ini aku terasa benar bedanya. Tekanan di benak seolah tak tertahan lagi. Tapi ku ingatkan setiap kalinya, "Bersabarlah sayang..." Itu cara aku pujuk hati setiap kali hati seakan lemah. Aku merasakan inilah jalan cinta yang paling berliku. Yang harus dilalui aku. Aku sudah ditengah perjalanan. Sukar dan tidak mungkin aku berpatah kembali. Aku berpesan pada sahabat, sabar dan ikhlas. Dan sahabatku berjaya tapi tidak aku. Ya Tuhan, kalau begini yang ditetapkan, sesukar ini jalanku dalam mencari kebahagiaan, aku terima dan akan berusaha. Tunggu. Ya aku harus menunggu. Lama. Dan. Lebih lama. Aku redha. Kerna aku cinta dia.

10 things about me

1. I always complained. 2. Easily annoyed and pissed off 3. Lazy ass 4. Boring 5. Lame 1. Patient 2. Caring 3. Kind hearted. ( Well, said so) 4. Love sweets thing 5. Quick to forgive

Monoloque

Sometimes, I have to bear with all things. From tiny little things to the biggest issues. Dealing with my heart is the hardest thing to do. Event though I have to pats myself over and over again, the scars won't be treated in a right way. Healing needs time. It is just healing. But the scar's still there. Give a mark, bloody mark forever. Sometimes I wonder, where are those memories with all my exs? Nothing compared to the scars they gave to me. It is hurt. That is why I chose not to tell, rethinking, rewind the past. I've been hurt-ed so many times. Live with the memories, yes I can. But to rewind the memories itself, no. What is in front of my eyes now, is my future to hold. Future to believe. Make this present, memorable. Yes it is sweet to rewind those good memories, because they are there with us. But, there's a heart to be take care of. Sometimes I wish I'm the one who is memorable for someone. Forgettable = Me How can I change this? I am a very boring person, alive. I'm lame, I can't make a joke, I can't do this I can't do that, I'm cranky, I'm quick to judge, I can't cook a meal for someone that I wanted to cook for, When can I be good at something and be a memorable person? When can I change? When? And how? :( Long sighs never ends.

ILOVEYOU!

2nd of March is the special date for me. Happy Birthday Mak, Madam Siti Afzam Bt Haji Mahmud. Sweet 57th! You gives your endless and eternally love to me, you mad at me, you scolded me, but never once you hit me, never once you hurt me, but I did hurt you in many ways. I am truly sorry, I asked for your forgiveness now and hereafter. You are there with me when no one would. You gives me those messages said that you missed me like so badly. Tears are running down as soon as I received your messages. At sometime I realized, why I had treated you like so bad when you are not? Why I have to yelled at you, when I know I can't do such things? I repent myself. On how I'm treating you all this while. I'm sorry Mak. I wouldn't do such things ever again. I promised to myself to taking care of you, loving you, feeding you, missin' you, like you did to me when I was a little back then and now. Someday, on one fine day you will be seeing me with a man I love, and you will be seeing me graduated, holding the scroll and also will be seeing me with my own children and family. I hope you will be there, to be the witness. I want you, no one else. I LOVE YOU ETERNALLY. NOW, TOMORROW, AND FOREVER. <3 <3 <3 - From your last daughter, Adik